What else could go wrong!
by JadeStern
Summary: A oneshot about what can go wrong when two virgins try to deflower each other. Together Edward and Bella try to answer the following questions. What size? Flavored or Vibrating? Why aren’t you inside of me yet! Please read and review but keep in mind.
1. Chapter 1

**I've had this really silly/stupid idea for a story in my head for a while and I really want to put it down. ****Not serious****, remember that. Very OOC but that's the point.**

A perfect day. Charlie was out fishing for the weekend, the Cullens were hunting, just Edward and me.

"Come on!" He groaned as Indiana Jones tried to out run the boulder. "You can tell that's a fake!"

"Oh, it's a movie, get over it." I complain, shifting to alleviate my throbbing core. Sitting on Edward was preferable but always made me a little 'squirmy'. "Um, I need to go to the bathroom." I say. Sitting up so I'm just that much closer to my little electric buddy.

"Bella, I know you have some 'feelings' that aren't getting met." No duh. "And I can smell you right now." Blush "I want to help you with your 'desires'. Is that ok with you?"

Wow, for being so smart he's really and idiot. Of course I want his help with my 'desires' as he calls them. Because he's such a prude I've had to go who knows how long without enjoying myself with my boyfriend. I could dump Edward and have 'fun' with almost any guy in school if I wanted, but well, they weren't him. Oh, shoot! I still haven't answered him, and now he's looking at me like him mentally handicapped. Shoot, still haven't answered.

"Yeah, that'd be great! Where? Bedroom, couch, kitchen table, shower, stove, sink, floor?" I ran off some options I'd been thinking of lately.

"First: How would the stove work?" He asked, looking utterly confused

"Well, we turn it on really low so I don't get frost bite by your Wang." I have planned these things out.

"OOOKKK. Secondly: Why now? I don't have any protection."

"Why would you need protection? You're a vampire, you won't get hurt. I mean, I could shoot you and you'd be just fine." Now I'm the one confused.

"Not that type of protection, Bella. I'd need it for the venom you know." He answered matter-of-factly.

"Ohh. But we still have to do it now! I REALLY want to!" If he doesn't go though with this I'm going to kill him.

"Ok, fine! We'll do it now but we have to go to the store to get some condoms. You're coming with too; I need to know what you'd like. Normal, flavored, vibrating…" I though he was 'The Prude' why would he know about all the kinds of condoms, oh well!

"Fine, let's go" I called as I ran outside.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

After a short drive to the closest Wal-Mart we hopped out of the car and nearly ran to the condom section. How long could his error in judgment last?

"Ok, Flavored or Vibrating?" He asked comparing two boxes.

"Both" I said, looking forward to using them

"OK" He grinned, "Strawberry or Grape?"

"Both" I said again. Can't he see how long this is taking?!

"Umm. What size am I?" He asked

This was not as easy to answer. He never had let me even get close to seeing it so I had no idea.

"How do you not know? Don't you measure yourself like all guys?" Please say yes! I begged in my head.

"Um, no. I never have a tape measure when I am jacking- changing pants." He looked at the ceiling and started to whistle. I'd have to talk to him about that later. But for now I had bigger issues.

"Um, Get medium and large. Now let's go!" We speed walked to the self checkout, I was never going to pay the cashier for four boxes of condoms.

We had scanned all the boxes and had them bagged, and then Edward went to pay. "Shiz! I don't have my wallet."

"You have to be kidding me!" People looked over as I screamed. "Hell with it!" I was quieter now, "Just steal some! They have enough for everyone!"

He glared at me, but the look I gave him shut him up good. He canceled the check out and we went to 'put them back on the shelf'. As we turned the corner he stuffed them in his shirt and we walked causally out of the store.

If I thought Edward drove fast before it was nothing compared to now. We had to be pushing 120 in the Volvo, but today I didn't scold him. We finally made it home. It had been over an hour since we decided to do the deed today. I was nearly dieing in anticipation.

"Ready?" He asked, pulling the boxes out of his coat. "What should we try first?"

I had thought about this beforehand. "Vibrating." His face fell for a half second but when he saw the vibrating ring he smiled a bit. We stripped quickly and headed to my bed. It was finally going to happen. I was going to make love to Edward.

Edward opened the pouch the condom was in and went to put it on. Looking at his hand moving down there I noticed something that made me sad, not sad really, but horribly terribly depressed. He was tiny!! He'd make my jumbo tampons look good in bed. "Um…they're too big." He whispered.

I just glared as I said, "Go get the right size, now!" He was gone instantly.

I tapped my fingers against my desk while I waited for him to get back. How could perfect Edward not be big? Or at least average?

The door creaked as he came back inside. "Ok, got it." He said, pulling yet another box from his shirt. Extra small. I hate my life.

Edward yanked the box open a little too fast and the pouches went flying. "EDWARD!! What if my dad found one? Pick them up!" He picked them up as quickly as he could. "Now put it on!" This had better be worth the trouble.

He opened one with shaking hands and pulled out the condom. It was so small. He went to put it on himself and his hand stuck. He tried again.

"What's the matter?" I glared "Too small"

He pouted, "It won't -grunt- go on! Help"

"Fine." I gripped the condom in one hand and rammed it onto his enjoyment center hard enough to give myself a bruise. It was wrinkled so I smoothed it out and sat on my bed. "If you don't do me this second, I will go over and see if Mike will help me out."

Edward growled and marched over to my bed. He hovered over me and reached his hand down to help him enter me. He sighed as he gripped his rock hard shaft. My hips moved up to let me know I was ready. I felt his tip touch me burning core. Then he pushed against me harder, but didn't enter. He pulled back and poked me again. Then again.

After a minute of this, I coughed quietly. "Having difficulties down there?" He glared at me. "Jezz, just asking."

He sighed again, "Sorry it's just, well, um, I won't, uh, go in."

This was not good news, "You can't what?"

"I won't go in. I don't know why."

"Screw this! I'm just going to do this myself. You can leave now. Where is my 'little buddy'?" I turned to open my drawer.

Edward held me to I was looking at him. "I'm sorry Bella. It's probably for the best. Let's just wait until marriage. OK?"

I sighed; it probably was good that we waited. If I died or Charlie found out that we didn't wait till marriage we would try to kill me. "Yeah, it's ok. But could you leave. After all this I am still in the mood and well, I can enjoy myself without you. See you later?"

"Yeah, later" With that Edward left for the night and I finally got to enjoy myself.

**If you read all that, thank you! Very stupid but it entertained me. Hopefully you too. It was very fun to write but it felt evil. Oh well! I am looking for a Beta, so please say something if you might consider it! I'm horrible at updating so it wouldn't take much time. :D Please review, I'll love you forever. Even if you just say "uh, wow" or "That was funny" or "That was lame" or even "Do you like pie?" Also, this has nothing to do with anything but…. We got about 8 inches of snow yesterday! May 26 and it snows!! GRR!!**


	2. Sweet! Insulting review!

I know it's been forever but I just had to write an authors note…not a real chapter. But it's still funny. I just received an anonymous review from "flames." Here it is:

_"From: Flames. ()-------------------Erm... where was the plot again? oh, I forgot. There wasn't any. Excuse mefor asking. Next question: why is this fic on so much bad crack? Rathersuckish, and badly written. I mean, I hate to burst the bad!fic bubble, but...well, it was kind of just... bad. I really don't think that there are anyother words to describe what it is that you have written, exactly…"_

Well darn. I knew I forgot something. What was it again…plot? Flames obviously didn't understand that the lack of plot was intentional. I hate to burst your "I'm so B.A. I wrote a flame review" bubble but…this story was just a joke I made up because I was bored. I love how you think I was serious! Next question: Is there such a thing was "good" crack? I just thought there was one kind…my mistake.

I truly appreciate the rest. Honestly I do… because I know that someone who's second in their class has NO ability to write what so ever…not even a research report, let alone a 3 minute joke.

But I am disappointed that you don't have any words to describe how horrible it really was. So I'll help you out with insulting words. Horrible, terrible, poor workmanship, atrocious, unpleasant, unbearable, beastly, abominable, dreadful, lousy, shameful and detestable. (For more go to ) I hope that this helps. The icing on the cake for me was that it was anonymous! So I can't even reply to the flamer in privately. Of course, this was MUCH more fun.

Thanks for reading. Hope you enjoyed this flame as much as I did!


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